dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
