Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
