u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
