i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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