i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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