i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
