she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
