Please, let me fuck your mom
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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