i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
