you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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