I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
