i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
