He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Watching her eat just hurts me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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