Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
