Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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