There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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