i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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