This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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