we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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