I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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