oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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