I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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