I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
