and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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