Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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