you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
