You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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