saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
