Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
