She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
