just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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