a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
