When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
