So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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