You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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