I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
