so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
