It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
