plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
