a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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