like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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