I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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