FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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