I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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