your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
