I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
