You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
