So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I died a long time ago.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
