Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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