Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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